i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
