I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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