So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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