just survived the first fart of the relationship.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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