After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The convent might be a nice break from real life
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
