even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
party gras won. party gras always wins.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize