If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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