Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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