I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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