i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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