So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
