You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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