Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
