It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
