Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
