So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
