wrigley field is MILF paradise
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
