It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize