Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
