member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
