He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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