if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
well you can't waste a boner
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize