I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize