just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
