I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
