girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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