Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
