He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Randomize
