I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
