I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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