Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
