I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
