Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
