Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize