well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
