Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
