I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
