She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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