The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
