If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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