he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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