i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
