Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
