There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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