were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
