She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize