you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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