If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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