I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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