There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
