u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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