Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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