bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
