I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize