kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
