And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
