nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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