well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
