So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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